What's Driving you Apart?

Is there something in your life that is driving you apart from what you love?

This is a serious question that we all need to ask ourselves. I need to look at this and it's my guess that you do too.

Throughout my life I have had people, friends, habits, addictions that has driven me  apart from what I love. In every instance I dreams have been destroyed by interference from my fears and others - this includes myself.

In 1980 I was dating a girl in Hawaii who was a Production Assistant TV pilot being filmed in the islands. She would talk about her day and I would sit there drooling as she talked. You see my dream was to work in movies and television. Oh by the way - the pilot was called Magnum PI. I was so insecure in my abilities to measure up as a writer or whatever, I turned down the opportunity to work on one of TVs most successful series. I kick myself when I think about it.

I was dating another beautiful, kind, wonderful woman a while back who walked away from me because I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I did get sober soon after that, but I lost out on a wonderful relationship. She was first person who pushed me to write. A remarkable woman.

I worked for my family business for 20 years. We catered to the oil industry all over the world. I always put the business first over any of my dreams. Why? I didn't have the personal security, self-esteem, confidence to go after my dream no matter what. I was afraid to take the risk. (Read the anonymous prose in my "Risking New Experiences" post)

What I am trying to demonstrate is that no matter what I did - I was always the one who interfered with my dreams due to my fears and lack of confidence, self-esteem and courage to take a risk. I concentrated of the possibility of failure rather than the rewards of success. I do not know where I learned this. My father had an 8th grade education - yet he had no fear of failure. I didn't get it from him. 

I had friends around me who succeeded in all sorts of businesses and careers. They always told me that I had so much talent - yet talent does little if you do not have the courage to take a risk toward success. 

I know that I am not alone. I have heard stories from people I work with who are now finding the courage to chase their dreams. Together we walk hand in hand - taking small steps, each bring them closer to their dream. They have become my heroes.

Today I choose to take risks. When the door of opportunity opens - I step through it. I have changed my nervousness into excitement. I can't wait to see what is going to happen when the next door opens.

What changed was I came to a realization that changed my life. People really don't care what I do. They are too wrapped up in what they are doing. I know that this sounds too simple, but it's true. 

True friends are your friends because of who your are - not what you do. How you treat them. How you make them feel when you are around them. Not by your level of success. I cherish each and every friend that I have today. I am so lucky to have them in my life. I celebrate each relationship.

What's stopping you from chasing your dream?

Your Life - Your Rules!

Namaste Speedo

Change - Do It Now

Three frogs sat on a log. One decided to jump off the log. How many frogs on sitting on the log?

I over heard a conversation today between 2 guys talking about quiting smoking. They both had been discussing quitting for months. The more that they talked - the more I wondered if they really wanted to quit. It seemed to me they were confused thinking talking about doing something is the same as actually doing it.

One guy said he'd quit for sure when he got he new truck - a 'non-smoking' truck is the way he put it. His friend ask when he was going to pick it up. He answered after the first of the year or in February or March.

The truck guy ask his friend when he was going to quit - he answered he's cutting back because his girlfriend wants them to quit together. "There's no sense quiting until she wants to", he told his friend.

Jane, a long time friend, has been talking to her 30 year old daughter for over 5 years about paying the rent on Jane's rental property. She just got in another fight over paying rent or finding another place to live. What happened?

Jane had been carrying her daughter's family for 5 years. She had ask for the rent in the past, but financial times were good then. She felt guilty asking for something that she didn't need - even though it was the right thing to do. We should be responsible for our own family - housing, food, security, health. But, as parents, we are not responsible for our adult children's families.

Anyway, they have never paid any rent like they agreed. They both drive newer cars, own a boat, a trailer, big screen TV and home theater - but they just can't seem to pay rent.

Jane told her daughter that because of today's economy - finances struggles - they need to pay rent beginning the end of the month or find another place to live. She offered to have her family move in with her until they could find a place of their own.

You cannot imagine the fury that erupted out of her daughter's mouth? She twisted everything around so that it was Jane's fault for everything. She even suggested that Jane get another job. (She never suggested to get a job herself.) The last I heard was that they were going to move into her husbands parents house. Great!

These are 2 examples of taking action. One was quitting smoking - the other was stopping enabling an 'adult child'.

The guys have excuses why they can't quit yet - but they have a point in the future they are shooting for. Then they will quit. Right.

Jane was going to continue enabling her daughter until her financial enabling caused her financial pain. I told Jane how lucky she was that she could look into the future and feel the pain approaching - and finding the courage to act now. Here in the desert we are approaching the 'season' which is great for rentals. Chances are Jane will be able to rent the house to a good family for a couple of years and correct her financial situation.

I am sure that Jane has talked about laying down the law and demanding rent over the last 6 years, but has relented over some lame excuse because her financial condition looked good. She probably actually felt guilty asking for rent because she didn't really need the money. Now she has to walk through the guilt because she's sticking up for 'her needs' over those of her daughter's. I told her how proud I was of her. The first time is rough. It takes practice to protect ourselves - especially from our kids.

Here is the desert - as I think in all areas which are considered retirement communities - parents are supporting their adult children and their families. They hope things will change soon. It never seems to change until the parents decide to stop supporting these lazy adults. It's not their responsibility. They have worked hard all their lives and deserve to retire in peace and spend their hard earned labors on themselves. Help out - sure, these are 'exceptions/emergencies'. But so many feel like that owe their kids - for what I can never figure out.

Here's the warning sign - when exceptions/emergencies become common place - something is wrong. Wake up folks. You are being taken for a ride by ungrateful adult children who refuse to grow up. So, as parents we need to assist them by cutting them off.

Those people who I work with hear two things from me over and over. 1) How do you cut off the tail of a monkey? Inch by inch or all at once! 2) It's none of your business/responsibility unless you participate agree to it - you are not the victim.

They complain to their closest friends about the problems that seem to follow their kids around. They portray them as victims of a difficult life. It's never their fault. If they could only get a break. Their friends are polite and nod in agreement - thinking either thank god these are not my kids or I'm not alone - if they only knew that trouble my kids are creating for us.

When you think about it - when do our children become self-supporting adults? Some do it immediately after leaving home or college. Other's will continue to extend their needy hand as long as we continue fill it with gold. They feel that they are entitled to it. They will even excuse their actions because they will inherit an estate when we die - why wait till then. They can use the money now - or why work for what we can get just for asking.

What happens if we do not enable? Well they will go through a rough period - but eventually they will stand up on their own 2 feet and begin to make a life for themselves. They may be surprised how fulfilling their own accomplishments feel. Pride in themselves. Self-esteem at what they can accomplish. Become responsible, adults living the life they built.

What happens to us? We become excited and proud parents. We love to get phone calls, hearing about our kids successes. We can't wait for the next call.

All this takes practice. It will feel uncomfortable until we realize we are building self-esteem in the ones we have been enabling for years. Wouldn't it be nice to pick up the phone and here about the accomplishments are kids made?

This is the quote from 'The Universe' at the Adventurers website listed to the right ----

"The greatest gift a parent can give a child is the ability to become independently happy. And the greatest gift a child can give a parent is exercising that ability".

I don't know how long it takes to quit smoking or stop enabling our adult kids - but I know that change happens in an instant - how long it take to reach that instant? It's different for each of us.

For me - I had to become a non-smoker . . . a non-enabler. It worked for me.

Some how it all fits . . . . do it now! Be happy.

Your Life - Your Rules!

Namaste Speedo

What do you Teach?

What kind of teacher are you? What do you teach those around you?

We usually think of teachers as conveyors of knowledge - reading, writing and arithmetic is the old, old slogan. Then we have trainers that are teachers of sales, exercise, yoga and a host of disciplines. As parents we teach our kids right from wrong, how to tie their shoes, wash clothes, cook, complete school work, throw a ball, sew - the list goes on and on.

What I'm talking about today is the most important teaching that we do on a daily basis. It doesn't take a college education or graduate degree. There is no school for this class. You can't enroll on the inter net.

We teach people how we want to be treated - for better or worst. We constantly teach them how to act around us, speak to us, or how to manipulate us. What do you do?

From the time I was a boy I was taught to treat people the way I wanted to be treated - teaching by example. But as I got older, my focus changed to letting people be who they are. Socially, it wasn't acceptable to define how I wanted anyone - strangers, friends, kids, parents, bosses, co-workers - to treat me.

Things have changed. I learned that it is my job to teach people how I want to be treated - some by example; others by setting boundaries. If I was to continue to act in a passive, accepting way; allowing them to act anyway they wanted around me - well, 75% of the time it was okay. But, that 25% was unacceptable. 

I had a choice - I could turn a blind eye to the way they were acting. At the time, this was what I choose to do. I could avoid these people - but this was not always an available choice. My last choice was to find the courage to tell them as kind as I could - to stop. That their actions were unacceptable. I did not want them to continue treating me the way they have become accustomed. Surprisingly, it worked. Most people were shocked; then they began heed my request. A lot of them never realized that I was upset or hurt by their actions.

It takes courage to stand up and ask someone to stop abusing, lying, cheating, manipulating - you name it. But it's my life and I have a right to ask those around me it to treat me with courtesy and respect my boundaries.

Are there people - lovers, friends, associates, kids, employers, coworkers who constantly cross your boundaries of acceptable behavior? How long have you allowed this to happen? 1, 5, 10 years? Have you had enough? How does it make you feel? Do you want to gain control over your life?

In the work place, you have to use tact and discretion with those in authority, but with time and courage you can teach these people how you want to be treated. And they will respond. If they don't - you have a choice to make.

A lot of times friends - current or past - will act around you out of habit. A habit that has become unacceptable because you have grown through your life experience and they want to relive the way your friendship was in the past. Most of them will adhere to your request.

Families of origin are another story. You have traditions with parents and relatives and they will pull every trick to hold you to their image of where you sit in the family hierarchy. Some will feel they are entitled to continue to act the way they have always acted. But with time - they too can learn to respect your boundaries.

Our spouses I believe are the hardest to convert. Because you have created a tradition over the years of being together of what you will and will not accept. It takes patience, love and conversation to let them know that you have grown and all you want them to do is to recognize and respect your new boundaries. You are not threatening as you talk to your spouse. Remember you are doing this out of love for yourself - and love for them.

Our kids who live at home. Kids will be kids. They push everything and everyone. They take their lead from the alpha parent. Together with your spouse you can tether them to treating you with respect for your boundaries. Oddly enough - kids appreciate structure when it's unveiled with kindness and love.

Our adult children can be the most abusive. We, as parents, want the best for them and will do anything to help them through their struggles. We forgive easily. We forget or make excuses easily too. It takes courage to allow them to live their lives without our interference. It's confusing to us really. Where do we draw the line when exceptions become the rule? When do we allow them to become accountable for their lack of responsibility? When do we allow them to walk through the consequences of the actions? 

Only you can answer these questions. But I will tell you that if you are a rescuer and continue to rescue them through their 20's, 30's, 40's - when will you stop your rescuing? For some people it will last until they become physically, emotionally and financially busted. They have spent everything you have worked all your life to achieve. And they do not care - they feel they are entitled. And you might feel obligated. But are you really?

So I ask you - what are you teaching those in your life today? Are you creating your life the way you want it - or are you accepting, hoping things will miraculously change?

The choice is yours and yours alone. Your Life - Your Rules!

Namaste Speedo

Feeling Good about Ourselves

How do you feel about yourself?

I happen to like the man that I have become. I relish my warts and rough edges - they remind me that I still am a work in progress. Even those little extra pounds that I try to ride off on my bike. I think that I am aging nicely, have a warm smile and approachable character in my face. My heart is good and I honestly love everybody. I realize that we all are doing the very best we can everyday - even when I have my @$^&$#%# days. If I could do better I know that I would.

I am happy today! I try to treat the rest of God's kids with Kindness - play Fair - and Share my Toys!

Okay - enough about me.

What do you feel about yourself? Take a moment to really feel the woman or man you have become. . . .

Where did your feeling take you? Did you first look at your shortcomings? Did your old habits raise their head to tell you lies about yourself? Did you focus on your past wishing that you could change it? Did you focus on the wonders that make you you?

For most of us - this is an awkward exercise to do. It's uncomfortable mainly because we seldom take a personal inventory of ourselves.

Here's the exercise. Write down all the positive traits that you can that make you . . . well you! Make the list as long as you want - but to start out, at least write down 15 items about you. Physical, Mental, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual - anything that you can think of. No matter how small. Do it now. Positive items only!

Okay - now I want you to sit and visualize the wonderful traits that make you you. Do you realize there is not another you on this planet, galaxy or universe? There has never been nor there will ever be another you? This is the truth - don't you feel that it's about time you start treating yourself better? Who else is going to celebrate you?

It's time for you to be selfish about you and start feeling good about you. Start right now.

When was the last time you did something totally selfish for you? Take care of you - after all, you are your best friend. Sometimes we have to practice and learn to treat ourselves better.

When I was told to do this, I minimized my good traits and immediately started to allow old negative images of myself to take over. I had to fight the impulse to focus on my shortcomings. It took practice and more practice. But I wrote down the 15 items - then I challenged myself to write down 25, then 35, then . . . . .

What happened was I became more like the man I wanted to be by focusing on my wonderful traits that make me me. And when my shortcoming raised their ugly head - I quickly attempted to substitute a positive trait. If I didn't like that trait, it exchanged it for something I wanted it to become.

It took practice, but it worked. I started to take care of me and feel good about the man I am today.

How's your list coming?

Namaste Speedo

Pain is My Motivator!

If you've been reading this blog for while, you may have realized my initial push was to let my friends walk through a Coach's life - and see how I handle 'life things'. Some gracefully and other . . well. . !

My first blog was the corner stone of our journey together. I was going through a brake-up with a wonderful woman and had been in a great deal of pain. Why? It was her idea! Oooops!

I didn't know at the time - I would crash deeper toward an emotional bottom that would initiate a change in my life. But it happened and emotional pain was the motivator. Today I celebrate pain - especially since it's in my past.

Today as I write this I am recovering from a physical pain - abscessed tooth pain. This too has motivated me to go to that dentist and find a solution.

In both cases - my pain drove me to take some action - and in both cases I found relief. The physical pain relief was in the form of a dental procedure to fix my tooth. I could have addressed this months before, but I choose to let it go until I could find time to go to the dentist. Pain initiated the call - sound familiar?

My emotional bottom was a more subtle and more devastating. It paralysed me for a couple of days in a mild depression - Emotional pain strikes deep. It was what it took for me to take an honest look at my life and the pain I was causing me. I believe emotional pain is always self-inflicted. Either I'm not doing something I should - or - I'm doing something I should stop.

When I live in self-righteous prominence over those I love and those close to me - they pull away to protect themselves from my intolerance - it causes me pain. When the pain gets sever enough I become motivated to action. The action I took was to get some mentoring from men I respect. I took advice, direction and have found relief. But it takes daily practice and persistance on my part.

It's not unlike getting direction from a dentist. He suggested this - and I took the action and sat in the chair.

I cannot fix any pain myself. When I attempted to in the past - I deluded myself into believing I had the right answer. I should always consider the source of my information. Do I respect them? Are they creditable? Have they experience? I have to answer yes to all of these questions. If not - it's my experience the pain will subside for a short while - but it will come back in due time. Always worse than before - with more devastation.

Most of my emotional pain is caused when I refuse to have an open mind and change my actions. If I don't change - grow - I will die a slow lonely life - emotionally or physically.

It's my choice. I choose to be happy, healthy and in love with life and the people surrounding me.

What's your motivator? How much pain can you take before you want to change and take right action?

Namaste Speedo

The Mayonnaise Jar of Life

When I come across cool things - I want to pass them on to you. Here's a great one!

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the student if the jar was full. The agreed that it was.

Then he picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar - he shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He again ask if the jar was full. They all nodded in agreement that it was.

Next, he produced a box of sand and proceeded to pour it into the jar. The sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full and the class responded with a 'yes'.

Next, he opened the 2 beers and pours them into the sand, pebbles and golf balls effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now, I want you to recognize this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions - and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

"The sand is everything else - the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first - there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with your grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take time for your spouse - go to dinner, make love, laugh, tell them how special they are and celebrate how lucky you are to have them as your partner in life.

"Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first - the things that really matter. Set you priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students ask what the beer represented. "The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem - there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend".

I think go I'll tell the people in my life how special I think they are. Then - I'll go play some golf.

Namaste Speedo

30 Seconds Then ...... %(*&&$#@&

I was listening to a speaker the other day and he mentioned a study on the human mind that caught his eye. He said that researchers have discovered that our minds cannot go three minutes without having a negative thought.

So I accepted the challenge. I found out that within 30 seconds I was complaining about how slow time was passing . . . . okay I said - so I started over. I set a timer on 3 minutes thinking that watching time pass was the reason that I failed . . . . I found myself mentally complaining about the tic, tic, tic of the timer.

Then I approached it the other way. I thought about everything that I had to complain about - a mental negative list. Really! Try it out. Make a mental list of all your complaints - anything and everything. Do it for three minutes. How did you feel? What was the make-up of your list?

For the most part, mine were all external items or situations that I had no control over. When I looked at the remainder of the list - I found that these were all fixable with time and effort on my part . . . future possible events.

Then I tried to the test again. I don't know if I made it further, but I do know I had stopped fighting my thoughts. It was peaceful.

What did I discover?

My complaints were all historical - my ought-tos and should-haves! They included incidents where I fell short of doing the right thing 0r items where I thought I was do wronged - self-pity.

My negative thoughts were based on fears projecting that I might not get what I wanted or I might loose what I had - my entitlements.

Whether complaints or negative thoughts - both keep me out of enjoying my meditation , or, my day - what is going on around me right now. Resentments from the past or perceived that haven't occurred - destructive thoughts. Pretty silly - right!

The only way out for me seems to be forgiveness. . . . . . . and to stop projecting into the future - expectations.

The present is the gift that keeps giving - if we remain conscious.

Go figure!

Namaste Speedo

What's Your Vision?

I got a secret for you - You create the world you believe exists before your eyes. Not exactly earth-shacking new information. Mystics and highly evolved people have been telling us this for millennium. Yet - most of us have leaky heads. I know I do. I need to be reminded of this fact over and over and over again. And why - have you watched the news or read any newspapers lately? Negativity sells! They think only bad, pessimistic reporting sells.

And this vision works for everything that I want in my life. But, how do I generally use it? Well, usually by asking for what I do not want in my life. You know - I hope she doesn't . . .  - I wish he'd stop . . . I don't want . . . .  I could go on but I know you get what I'm saying. 

What a waste. These guys do not garner negative thoughts or visions - they only take the positive statement or visions, and disregard the negative influence. Jeez, you'd think that I would have caught on long before I did. I know it takes discipline and practice to create real prosperity thinking on a daily basis - like going to the prosperity gym. Exercise is good - right!?

In the past - I would hoard money or savings for a rainy day - instead of believing that money would be replenish with what I needed. Really it always has - one way or another. I have never gone without. Maybe I'm lucky or maybe I just knew that what I needed would arrive.

Now I want to take this envisioning to a new level in my life. I want to be the steward of as much money as the universe wants to give me. I want my perfect woman to walk into my life so I can give her the love and life the universe wants us to share. I want the beautiful . . . . . . I could go on and on  . . . . . but what do you want in your life that you have been limiting with small visions? Why do we settle when we could have the whole enchilada . . .with red sauce!

You know it's yours for the asking and believing that it will materialize as a gift from the universe. It doesn't mean that we don't have to work for it - but the universe still wants to shower us with abundance. It will open doors of opportunity for us daily until we recognize them and take positive action. We can't loose!

What is your vision of 'your' world. Reality is not what's in front of us that everybody sees. It's what we believe is in front of us that we see with our head and heart. It's not denial about what is going on - it's focusing on what we want and not settling for less. It's creating our reality for our life - instead of living another's. It's our - yours and my - life! Let's go after it!

Today I believe - even with all the indicators that are shouting the contrary - that my income is growing month by month until it will be far beyond my wildest dreams. Why? Just because I believe and can see my wonderful life unfolding. It's full of prosperity and abundance.

And - there's enough for everyone - you too! What's your dream? It's waiting for you. Just ask for it and it's yours.

Namaste Speedo

***** NOTE:  Click on 'The Adventures Club' listed under 'Friends Website and Blogs' - They have a daily quote from the universe that will open up your thought processes to more and more gifts from the Universe! It's really cool!