Change - Do It Now

Three frogs sat on a log. One decided to jump off the log. How many frogs on sitting on the log?

I over heard a conversation today between 2 guys talking about quiting smoking. They both had been discussing quitting for months. The more that they talked - the more I wondered if they really wanted to quit. It seemed to me they were confused thinking talking about doing something is the same as actually doing it.

One guy said he'd quit for sure when he got he new truck - a 'non-smoking' truck is the way he put it. His friend ask when he was going to pick it up. He answered after the first of the year or in February or March.

The truck guy ask his friend when he was going to quit - he answered he's cutting back because his girlfriend wants them to quit together. "There's no sense quiting until she wants to", he told his friend.

Jane, a long time friend, has been talking to her 30 year old daughter for over 5 years about paying the rent on Jane's rental property. She just got in another fight over paying rent or finding another place to live. What happened?

Jane had been carrying her daughter's family for 5 years. She had ask for the rent in the past, but financial times were good then. She felt guilty asking for something that she didn't need - even though it was the right thing to do. We should be responsible for our own family - housing, food, security, health. But, as parents, we are not responsible for our adult children's families.

Anyway, they have never paid any rent like they agreed. They both drive newer cars, own a boat, a trailer, big screen TV and home theater - but they just can't seem to pay rent.

Jane told her daughter that because of today's economy - finances struggles - they need to pay rent beginning the end of the month or find another place to live. She offered to have her family move in with her until they could find a place of their own.

You cannot imagine the fury that erupted out of her daughter's mouth? She twisted everything around so that it was Jane's fault for everything. She even suggested that Jane get another job. (She never suggested to get a job herself.) The last I heard was that they were going to move into her husbands parents house. Great!

These are 2 examples of taking action. One was quitting smoking - the other was stopping enabling an 'adult child'.

The guys have excuses why they can't quit yet - but they have a point in the future they are shooting for. Then they will quit. Right.

Jane was going to continue enabling her daughter until her financial enabling caused her financial pain. I told Jane how lucky she was that she could look into the future and feel the pain approaching - and finding the courage to act now. Here in the desert we are approaching the 'season' which is great for rentals. Chances are Jane will be able to rent the house to a good family for a couple of years and correct her financial situation.

I am sure that Jane has talked about laying down the law and demanding rent over the last 6 years, but has relented over some lame excuse because her financial condition looked good. She probably actually felt guilty asking for rent because she didn't really need the money. Now she has to walk through the guilt because she's sticking up for 'her needs' over those of her daughter's. I told her how proud I was of her. The first time is rough. It takes practice to protect ourselves - especially from our kids.

Here is the desert - as I think in all areas which are considered retirement communities - parents are supporting their adult children and their families. They hope things will change soon. It never seems to change until the parents decide to stop supporting these lazy adults. It's not their responsibility. They have worked hard all their lives and deserve to retire in peace and spend their hard earned labors on themselves. Help out - sure, these are 'exceptions/emergencies'. But so many feel like that owe their kids - for what I can never figure out.

Here's the warning sign - when exceptions/emergencies become common place - something is wrong. Wake up folks. You are being taken for a ride by ungrateful adult children who refuse to grow up. So, as parents we need to assist them by cutting them off.

Those people who I work with hear two things from me over and over. 1) How do you cut off the tail of a monkey? Inch by inch or all at once! 2) It's none of your business/responsibility unless you participate agree to it - you are not the victim.

They complain to their closest friends about the problems that seem to follow their kids around. They portray them as victims of a difficult life. It's never their fault. If they could only get a break. Their friends are polite and nod in agreement - thinking either thank god these are not my kids or I'm not alone - if they only knew that trouble my kids are creating for us.

When you think about it - when do our children become self-supporting adults? Some do it immediately after leaving home or college. Other's will continue to extend their needy hand as long as we continue fill it with gold. They feel that they are entitled to it. They will even excuse their actions because they will inherit an estate when we die - why wait till then. They can use the money now - or why work for what we can get just for asking.

What happens if we do not enable? Well they will go through a rough period - but eventually they will stand up on their own 2 feet and begin to make a life for themselves. They may be surprised how fulfilling their own accomplishments feel. Pride in themselves. Self-esteem at what they can accomplish. Become responsible, adults living the life they built.

What happens to us? We become excited and proud parents. We love to get phone calls, hearing about our kids successes. We can't wait for the next call.

All this takes practice. It will feel uncomfortable until we realize we are building self-esteem in the ones we have been enabling for years. Wouldn't it be nice to pick up the phone and here about the accomplishments are kids made?

This is the quote from 'The Universe' at the Adventurers website listed to the right ----

"The greatest gift a parent can give a child is the ability to become independently happy. And the greatest gift a child can give a parent is exercising that ability".

I don't know how long it takes to quit smoking or stop enabling our adult kids - but I know that change happens in an instant - how long it take to reach that instant? It's different for each of us.

For me - I had to become a non-smoker . . . a non-enabler. It worked for me.

Some how it all fits . . . . do it now! Be happy.

Your Life - Your Rules!

Namaste Speedo