We usually think of teachers as conveyors of knowledge - reading, writing and arithmetic is the old, old slogan. Then we have trainers that are teachers of sales, exercise, yoga and a host of disciplines. As parents we teach our kids right from wrong, how to tie their shoes, wash clothes, cook, complete school work, throw a ball, sew - the list goes on and on.
What I'm talking about today is the most important teaching that we do on a daily basis. It doesn't take a college education or graduate degree. There is no school for this class. You can't enroll on the inter net.
We teach people how we want to be treated - for better or worst. We constantly teach them how to act around us, speak to us, or how to manipulate us. What do you do?
From the time I was a boy I was taught to treat people the way I wanted to be treated - teaching by example. But as I got older, my focus changed to letting people be who they are. Socially, it wasn't acceptable to define how I wanted anyone - strangers, friends, kids, parents, bosses, co-workers - to treat me.
Things have changed. I learned that it is my job to teach people how I want to be treated - some by example; others by setting boundaries. If I was to continue to act in a passive, accepting way; allowing them to act anyway they wanted around me - well, 75% of the time it was okay. But, that 25% was unacceptable.
Things have changed. I learned that it is my job to teach people how I want to be treated - some by example; others by setting boundaries. If I was to continue to act in a passive, accepting way; allowing them to act anyway they wanted around me - well, 75% of the time it was okay. But, that 25% was unacceptable.
I had a choice - I could turn a blind eye to the way they were acting. At the time, this was what I choose to do. I could avoid these people - but this was not always an available choice. My last choice was to find the courage to tell them as kind as I could - to stop. That their actions were unacceptable. I did not want them to continue treating me the way they have become accustomed. Surprisingly, it worked. Most people were shocked; then they began heed my request. A lot of them never realized that I was upset or hurt by their actions.
It takes courage to stand up and ask someone to stop abusing, lying, cheating, manipulating - you name it. But it's my life and I have a right to ask those around me it to treat me with courtesy and respect my boundaries.
Are there people - lovers, friends, associates, kids, employers, coworkers who constantly cross your boundaries of acceptable behavior? How long have you allowed this to happen? 1, 5, 10 years? Have you had enough? How does it make you feel? Do you want to gain control over your life?
In the work place, you have to use tact and discretion with those in authority, but with time and courage you can teach these people how you want to be treated. And they will respond. If they don't - you have a choice to make.
A lot of times friends - current or past - will act around you out of habit. A habit that has become unacceptable because you have grown through your life experience and they want to relive the way your friendship was in the past. Most of them will adhere to your request.
Families of origin are another story. You have traditions with parents and relatives and they will pull every trick to hold you to their image of where you sit in the family hierarchy. Some will feel they are entitled to continue to act the way they have always acted. But with time - they too can learn to respect your boundaries.
Our spouses I believe are the hardest to convert. Because you have created a tradition over the years of being together of what you will and will not accept. It takes patience, love and conversation to let them know that you have grown and all you want them to do is to recognize and respect your new boundaries. You are not threatening as you talk to your spouse. Remember you are doing this out of love for yourself - and love for them.
Our kids who live at home. Kids will be kids. They push everything and everyone. They take their lead from the alpha parent. Together with your spouse you can tether them to treating you with respect for your boundaries. Oddly enough - kids appreciate structure when it's unveiled with kindness and love.
Our adult children can be the most abusive. We, as parents, want the best for them and will do anything to help them through their struggles. We forgive easily. We forget or make excuses easily too. It takes courage to allow them to live their lives without our interference. It's confusing to us really. Where do we draw the line when exceptions become the rule? When do we allow them to become accountable for their lack of responsibility? When do we allow them to walk through the consequences of the actions?
Only you can answer these questions. But I will tell you that if you are a rescuer and continue to rescue them through their 20's, 30's, 40's - when will you stop your rescuing? For some people it will last until they become physically, emotionally and financially busted. They have spent everything you have worked all your life to achieve. And they do not care - they feel they are entitled. And you might feel obligated. But are you really?
So I ask you - what are you teaching those in your life today? Are you creating your life the way you want it - or are you accepting, hoping things will miraculously change?
The choice is yours and yours alone. Your Life - Your Rules!
Namaste Speedo
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